How-To: Remove Bodily Fluid Stains

You know how mom told you not to play with balls in the house, ‘cause it always makes a mess? Well, Momma knew best.

When it comes to indoor recreational activities, sex is the one of the most fun ways to ransack the apartment, knock over lamps and spill drinks. Party fouls abound and a Dustbuster or broom come in handy. But wait… are you more in need of galoshes and a wet/dry vac?

sexyhazmat1Let’s face it, folks. No matter how great the sex was, once the dust settles down and cognizance returns things look a little less rose-colored. And, cleaning up mysterious amalgams of bodily fluids (and sometimes solids) afterwards can range from being unpleasant to downright disgusting.

As with any mess, taking small preparations to avoid the major mishaps beforehand can prevent sex stains from happening to begin with:

  1. Keep a tampon or menstrual cup in during that-time-of-the-month cunnilingus.
  2. Abstain from eating directly before copious amounts of anal play.
  3. Invest in a waterproof mattress cover, as discussed in, “Keeping Dry While Squirting,” or lay out towels. Lots of towels.
  4. Put a small waste bin by the bed so you can tie off and throw away used condoms and dirty dental dams instead of putting them on the carpet.
  5. Use condoms on adult toys to keep them fresh, new and stain-free.

A cum-stained dress à la Monica Lewinsky or a grool-covered police officer’s uniform are quick fixes-- a quick trip to a discreet dry cleaner will get that out in a jiffy. But a whole living space splattered with various viscous expulsions? Even Merry Maids wouldn’t be so merry when faced with that biohazard scenario.

Here are some laundry tips to DIY that cum stain, period stain, or whatever stain out of existence. The rule of thumb is to keep the stained area wet until washing. Club soda works especially well for this. Avoid putting the item into the dryer until the stain has been removed to your liking, as high heat drying will set the stain permanently. Always refer to the fabric care instructions and do a spot test with any stain removal products in an inconspicuous area.


You won’t need your own hazmat suit to clean up your living space effectively, but remember that harmful contagions can remain alive and active, even outside of the human body, so treat these fluids with the cautionary respect you would have during safer sex-- by using barriers.

If you think you’re going to need some goggles and a face mask, better safe than sorry. Believe me, when you’re cleaning up your drunk date’s puked-up pad thai and used maxi pads, you’ll want all the protection you can get.

Removing bodily fluid stains checklist:

  • lined trash bin
  • new, properly fitting latex or nitrile gloves (not PVC gloves)
  • shop towels, disposable rags or paper towels
  • bleach (fecal, vomit and urine stains)
  • hydrogen peroxide (blood, grool, squirting and semen stains)
  • sex toy cleaner (for toys and also for lube stain removal on fabrics)
  • melamine foam sponges (for fine mist or spray on drywall, moulding, cabinets, etc.)

In extreme cases, as mentioned in, “Removing Lube Stains,” silicone-based lubes can permanently stain unfinished wood, as evidenced in my unintentional WET Platinum eruption last month. In this event, gently sand off the stained area with a fine grit sandpaper in small circles.

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