“What is THAT?”- Finding False Flags after Fornicating (NSFW)

The post-casual hookup high can lead to strutting, glowing, giggling, high fives and winking, but all this celebratory behavior can quickly dissipate when you look down at your crotch and see something mysterious, which wasn’t there prior to intercourse.


The post-casual hookup high can lead to strutting, glowing, giggling, high fives and winking, but all this celebratory behavior can quickly dissipate when you look down at your crotch and see something mysterious, which wasn’t there prior to intercourse.


You immediately think to yourself, “What is THAT? But, how can this be? We did everything right. We used a condom!” Commence super sudden stomach drop, massive-nervous-lump-in-throat and uncontrollable pacing, mixed with pouting and a copious amount of phone calls. Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

No matter what it looks like, don’t freak out too much before getting your STD test results from your doctor or clinic. After all, they are the experts. And, yes, you should absolutely get tested. Often. Especially if you have engaged in any risky behavior like unprotected oral, vaginal or anal sex.


That being said, no matter what you have (or don’t have), stress won’t help you heal any faster or rid you of any maladies. While you wait for your results, push your inner hypochondriac to the side, be an optimist and consider just how many non-STD related ailments are commonly found in the genital region such as:

Pearly Penile Papules

 Pearly penile papules

Often abbreviated as PPP, pearly penile papules are totally harmless affliction which can easily be mistaken for HPV by an untrained eye. Appropriately enough, this condition resembles a string of pearls around the glans. It occurs most commonly in uncircumcised men. If this applies to you, relax and let me share a pearl of wisdom with you- PPP is not contagious or sexually transmitted and is completely treatable by a dermatologist.



Random acne is not just for teenagers. Everybody past the age of puberty gets the occasional pimple. Before you go screaming into the night and contemplating dying a lonely bachelor(ette), at the thought of this being herpes, relax. Examine it, with a mirror if needed. Does it resemble a single zit, or a series of blisters? If it looks like a zit, it probably is. Dab a little tea tree oil on it (or whatever you use for acne) and be on your way.

Ingrown Hairs


Manscaping and bikini lines can be very visually stimulating, but they also have their drawbacks. Shaving, waxing and plucking are surefire ways to experience the joys of ingrown hairs. Pubic hair don’t always break through the surface of the skin. They can get stuck underneath the outer layer of the epidermis and cause raised pink/red bumps, itchiness and can even become infected, which will resemble a pimple. For a reduced chance of ingrown hairs, use Inttimo Shave Kreme, for a smooth and bump-free result.



Allergies are just a part of life. Certain fabrics, temperature and moisture changes, pet dander and new soaps and detergents can reek havoc on the delicate skin around your genitals. The body’s histamine reaction to these allergens commonly appear in the form of a rash. This does not mean your penis or clitoris are doomed to rash-dom for eternity.

So, don’t be rash and assume you’re being plagued by an STD the next time you get a rash. Only a doctor will know for sure. If you have a latex allergy, there is no need to suffer through safer sex. Try a Trojan BareSkin Supra or a LifeStyles Skyn next time instead.


If you notice a lump on your scrotum or labia, remain calm. Try not to “in-cyst” that you “caught the cancer” and remember that you’re not being punished for promiscuity.


Although both men and women can grow genital cysts, they have different names. For men, scrotal cysts are slow growing, fluid filled and painless. They occur underneath the skin and are called spermatic cysts. Doctors can drain the fluid in an outpatient procedure, and there is a quick recovery time. Scrotal cysts do not increase your chance for having testicular cancer later on in life.

For women, there are 2 main types of cysts called Bartholin’s cysts, and Skene’s duct cysts. They both occur on the labia. Bartholin’s cysts are more typical in menopausal women, and these painless growths occur when their lubricating glands near the bottom of the vaginal opening become blocked. Skene’s duct cysts are painful and erupt right around the urethra. They are self-treatable with a warm compress.



“Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!” Jerry Lee Lewis obviously had a raging case of jock itch at one point in his life. And, a lot of other guys get it too. Especially in dank and hot areas of the world, where fungus tends to thrive. Here in Florida, there is definitely fungus among us. To keep your boys cool and dry, even in the summer, try using lotion. The scientific term for jock itch is tinea cruris, and it it is very similar to athlete’s foot. So, if you’re chafed, itchy and have a pink patchy skin condition, calm down. It’s not necessarily scabies or syphilis, you could just need some Dr. Scholl's spray.

Zipper/Ring Scrapes

Going commando and dry humping in jeans just doesn’t mix, guys. Unless you’re totally into having a scraped up head and frenulum, that is. When the feel good chemicals in your brain are active, you won’t notice any pain. After these chemicals wear off, and you peek downtown, it may look and feel like your penis went through a paper shredder.

Same thing goes for unprotected hand jobs from someone wearing rings. Prepare for lengthwise cheese grating on the underside of your favorite body part. Scab city. Just take the pants and rings off next time and wear a Caution Wear Mission 701 condom instead.


Ladies, if an odd fluid is coming out of you, it’s going to be ok. While the first thought is to assume it is chlamydia, bacterial vaginosis, trich or gonorrhea, it is just as possible that you have a yeast infection, which is easily treatable with over the counter meds. But, wait for your results before treating yourself with anti-yeast meds. In the meantime, take charge if your discharge by doing something fun and relaxing while you wait, like receiving a stress relieving neck massage with massage oil.



Sometimes, a new mole, freckle or beauty mark will spring up from out of nowhere. For instance, as of last week, I now have a freckle on the sole of my right foot. Weird, right? This is particularly noticeable if you have light skin. If your skin is darker, you may mistake this mole as being a genital wart. Don’t let this mole take its toll- on your emotional health before hearing the definitive test results from your doctor.


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